Gonna Fuck Some Birds

Falkner, the Violet City Gym leader, is a Flying-type trainer.  I forget what he uses, but I intend on being ready, so let the delicious grinding begin.

We're already up to Kakuna, and I think it only started in Generation-II that Pokemon can learn moves right after evolving, so I guess if you catch a Weedle or a Caterpie in Generation-I, they won't learn Harden when you evolve them.  That's fucking weird.

So, I'm running around what I believe is Routes 30 and 31 (because I forgot where to get the fucking Town Map), and I find that there's this dark-ass cave up in the top right corner...called Dark Cave, so I'm thinking, "Fuck Zubat, but ooooooh, possible Geodude!"

Nailed it! This team is actually beginning to look very familiar.

Hold on.  Real talk for just a second.

I caught a female Geodude.  Just let that sink in.

So I stop leveling Kakuna and I start leveling Geodude, but lo and behold, what the fuck do I find out on Rt. 31?

THIS goofy sack of shit! I love starting off a game with as many different types as possible and trying to make sure they all know at least one of their type's attacks.  This chick only knows Vine Whip, so that's cool--

Okay, real talk one more time.

Every fucking Pokemon I've caught so far is female, save for Totodile.  Not sure what's up with that, but hey, Totodile be pimpin'.

So I take this Bellsprout back into the Dark Cave (because it can seriously fuck up my Geodude, even at level 3) and I find the first wild Pokemon from Generation-II that I actually wanted to catch.

To my dismay, it turns out that Dunsparce is a Normal-type Pokemon and not a Ground-type, as I had previously believed, and wasn't going to do SHIT against Falkner.  However, I remembered the Normal immunity to Ghost-type attacks, so I may need him for Sprout Tower at night.  Besides, he can learn a lot of TM moves that could make him an unexpected monster.

Because I want a Ghastly because I want a Haunter.

You remember that Top 10 list from the last blog? I'm not sure how it applies here in Generation-II, but I'll try to come up with my favorite 10 Pokemon from Generation-II as well.

Totodile, lvl 12

Pidgey, lvl 11

Geodude, lvl 11

Bellsprout, lvl 8

Kakuna, lvl 7

Dunsparce, lvl 4

Pokedex: 7, Badges: 0

I Rolled 7

A pretty piss-poor roll if this was Dungeons & Dragons or Pathfinder, but that is not the case now, is it?

Welcome to the party, Totodile--!

Oh shit.  I just realized something.

I named my character after a hurricane...and I picked the Water-type starter.

It's almost as if it was meant to be...

Too late to change it now! I've already hit the Save button!

Also, I just want to say that I really enjoy the revamp on the move Rage.  It is no longer a full-battle commitment move.  It just does damage like a regular fucking attack and increases in power if your Pokemon gets hit, and that is lovely.

Now...Mr. Pokemon...

Who the fuck is this guy? Why does everyone respect him so much? Weird hermit-ass guy, chilling out in the woods, calling himself Mr. Pokemon.  Fucking loon.

OH SHIT! WHAT'S UP, OAK? What are you doing in the middle of--

POKEDEX! Fucking yoink!

But yeah, I love how he's just chilling out there with a brand new version of the Pokedex that can fit all 250 Pokemon in it now.  I like to imagine the scene went like this...

OAK:   There! Finally, I've invented the Pokedex, a digital catalogue of all 150 Pokemon! Here you go, Fag-Bag, and here you go, Fuck, I.  Have fun!

AIDE:   Professor, there's someone here from Goldenrod City who wants you to do a radio show about Pokemon.

OAK:   Goldenrod City? Where the hell is that?

AIDE:   It's in Johto, Professor, a few miles or so west of Viridian City.

OAK:   Never heard of it.

AIDE:   Well, they want you to do a radio talk show there where you discuss you in-depth knowledge of all 250 Pokemon.

OAK:   Well, I'm very flattered, but--wait WHAT?! There's HOW MANY?!

AIDE:   250.  Wait...did you seriously think there were only 150? That's just in the Kanto region--

OAK:   WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!?!? WHAT ABOUT THE POKEDEX?!?!?!?!

AIDE:   I thought you were making it just for the Kanto region--!

OAK:   It was supposed to be GLOBAL! SHIT! SHIT! RECALL ALL MODELS! GET ME PROFESSOR ELM AND MR. POKEMON ON THE PHONE! WE'VE GOT FUCKING WORK TO DO!

AIDE:   But don't you want to see your grandson challenge the Elite Four? I heard he just made it up to Indigo Plateau a little while ago.

OAK:   Fag-Bag is doing WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! GODDAMN IT! I'll be right back! We're pulling an all-nighter if we have to, but damn it, we are finishing this new Pokedex!

AIDE:   But the radio show airs at 9:00am! How are you--?

OAK:   I'M SAMUEL MOTHERFUCKING OAK! I WILL MAKE THIS SHIT WORK!

My visit to the creepy-ass house in the middle of the woods is short-lived, however, since I got a phone call from Professor Elm telling me that some sort of disaster has struck the research lab and that I need to head back to New Bark Town.

...hurricane?

Refer to the above Venn diagram if you have any questions.

Apparently, this guy has some beef with me, though.  He thinks I'm some sort of wimp and I don't deserve my good Pokemon.  Funny, he reminds me of the guy I saw creeping by the lab a few minutes ago, and he's using a Chikorita, just like the one I saw in the lab--GASP!

His name is ???.  Seriously, that's what he told me his name is: three question marks.  I wish I really could have confiscated his stolen Chikorita, but such is the way of life.  I didn't roll no 20-20-17, so I don't get a Chikorita.

The cop at the lab asked me for the thief's name.  Well...I'm not exactly sure what to tell him.  He said his name was ???, so...

My rival's name is Three Question Marks, or "???" for short.  Didn't want to call him Fag-Bag, because there already is a Fag-Bag and we don't want that shit getting confused.

The moment we always wait for...our first set of Pokeballs! Let's do this!

Pro-Tip: The first route of the game is the fucking same as the last game.  Don't bother with Rattata or Sentret...they're Normal-type rat-ass Pokemon and they suck boners.

This guy, however, I don't need to reiterate or explain how fucking useful he is.  He basically took out the hardest gym leaders in Kanto for me and I'm gonna get him back in my team!

Always catch a Weedle.  Never catch Kakuna.  Kakuna can't learn Poison Sting or String Shot.  Weedle can learn Harden.

Remember the Pro-Tips and you'll survive through the night.

Totodile, lvl 12

Pidgey, lvl 5

Weedle, lvl 4

Pokedex: 3, Badges: 0

Pokemon Johto! DO-DO-DO, DO, DO-DO-DO!

So apparently, if you walked, like, the same distance from Pallet Town to Lavender Town in the opposite direction, you will encounter 100 NEW POKEMON THAT CAN'T FIND A WAY TO SURF, FLY, OR OTHERWISE FUCKING WALK OVER TO KANTO! That's the premise of Pokemon Silver and Gold, essentially, and I find that shit funny.  Actually, I like to think of the plots of Generation-I and Generation-II happening within, like, days of each other, and you'll see why when we start this bad boy up.

The game starts up with you having to set the clock and wake up Professor Oak, who apparently has been running around Kanto for the past few days, trying to catch Fag-Bag in a battle so he can cheer on his grandson; however, since Fag-Bag's been running around like a lunatic, Old Man Oak is probably exhausted by the time he's supposed to start me off on my journey.

This is your player, called Ethan in the game canon, Jimmy in the anime canon.  However, I'm not going to chose either of those names because they are stupid.  If your name is Jimmy or Ethan...sorry, these are my feelings.

I'm getting to play this game today because Hurricane Sandy shut down my place of work, so I think I should honor this storm by naming my character after it in some way.  I wanted to name him "Hurricane", but there's not enough space, so "Sandy" will have to do.

By the way, does anyone else find it odd that your mother in these games doesn't have a bedroom? Does she just live in the damn kitchen? Get it together, Japan.

So, let's head over to Professor Elm and get--

Professor Elm?

Who the fuck is this joker? This isn't the face of Pokemon research!

Now THIS is the face of Pokemon research! He's got his shit together.  Look at him carrying books.  He can carry books.  Elm can't carry books.  What the fuck is wrong with Elm? Screw it.  I want a Pokemon.  I'm just going to ignore the creepy red-head staring through a window outside the lab.  There's no way he's going to impact the story in any major way.

Now, who to choose, who to choose...

Well, Charmander served me well in the last game, so I think I'm gonna stick with--

OH SHIT! THAT'S NOT A CHARMANDER! NONE OF THESE ARE CHARMANDER!

Okay...don't panic.  You planned for this.  You knew there would be changes.  But which one to choose! Okay...let's look at this objectively, shall we? And why bother looking at the primary forms? We need to think for the long-term here:

Chikorita evolves into Meganium by level 32.  At level 50, its base stats are as follows:
HP: 80, Attack: 82, Defense: 100, Sp. Attack: 83, Sp. Defense: 100, Speed: 80
Meganium is a fairly well-rounded, but the weakest of the three.

Cyndaquil evolves into Typhlosion by level 36.  At level 50, its base stats are as follows:
HP: 78, Attack: 84, Defense: 78, Sp. Attack: 109, Sp. Defense: 85, Speed: 100
Typhlosion could be a speedy fire powerhouse, but he's a glass cannon.

Totodile evolves into Feraligatr by level 30.  At level 50, its base stats are as follows:
HP: 85, Attack: 105, Defense: 100, Sp. Attack: 79, Sp. Defense: 83, Speed: 78
Feraligatr is the tank of the group, but he's slow and his attack strength is not with his type.

Hmm...this seems to be a decision too great for a mere mortal to decide, so I'm going to do this:

We're gonna let fate decide! I will pick up one d20 from my box of tabletop dice--

If you haven't assumed that I own a box of tabletop dice by, you're an oblivious dumb-ass.  Let's move on.

I will pick up one d20 and cast it down according to the following chart, and whatever it lands on will be my starter:

1 - Choose any, catch a Pidgey, release starter, keep Pidgey

2 - Chikorita

3 - Cyndaquil

4 - Totodile

5 - Chikorita

6 - Cyndaquil

7 - Totodile

8 - Chikorita

9 - Cyndaquil

10 - Totodile

11 - Chikorita

12 - Cyndaquil

13 - Totodile

14 - Chikorita

15 - Cyndaquil

16 - Totodile

17 - Chikorita

18 - Cyndaquil

19 - Totodile

20 - Roll again, exclude 1, then roll to determine trade-in from Red Version

1 - Wigglytuff

2 - Mankey

3 - Raichu

4 - Nidoking

5 - Hitmonlee

6 - Snorlax

7 - Beedrill

8 - Dratini

9 - Seaking

10 - Growlithe

11 - Alakazam

12 - Scyther

13 - Marowak

14 - Vaporeon

15 - Charizard

16 - Moltres

17 - Articuno

18 - Zapdos

19 - Mewtwo

20 - Roll again, then roll from top list to determine trade-in from Gold Version

I believe strongly in punishing those that roll 1's and rewarding those that roll 20's, and these two lists can loop infinitely if I keep rolling 20's.  After the 6th 20, however, I'd have to stop, since I'd have a full party (that I probably couldn't even use) and no more starters to trade into Silver.  I was toying with the idea of playing through Yellow to get all those starters and trading them into Silver, but that would be time-consuming (as you only get them all once you hit Vermillion City, and that's a long ways away).  If anything, I would play up until that point to trade in the Kanto starters, but only after I've beaten the Johto gym leaders and I'm about to move back into Kanto.

Alright...let's hope fate is on my side.

If I roll a one, I am going to fucking die.

The Fucking Ordeal For This Shit...

Hey, guess what?  The fucking Gameboy Color cartridges can't hold saves after a certain number of years.

Why?

Well, back in the day, when Gameboy games were in cartridges and not in little flash things, Nintendo used small lithium batteries to power the save functions for the game as opposed to using flash memory, which is the current standard.

What's the problem with that?

I'll fucking TELL YOU! The Gameboy Color games like Pokemon Silver, Gold, and Platinum have a functioning clock inside the game so that gameplay is effected by what time of day, what day, and what time of year you happen to be playing.  How the cartridge handles that clock is the same way a watch powers itself...

...lithium battery.

You mean there's another lithium battery inside the cartridge just for the clock?

Fucking NOPE! One battery for two functions.  Therefore, if you have a saved game, that battery is draining twice as fast: half to maintain the save, and half to power the fucking clock.

Oh no, does that mean you have to skip over Generation-II in your blog?

SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'm a champ! I can fix this shit!

...someone fetch me the internet and a credit card!

I followed these instructions pretty much verbatim.  I even bought the fucking security bit to get out the little screw.  Some people recommended using tweezers or melting an old pen and letting the melted plastic form in the shape of the screw.  I was not about to risk melting plastic all over my Pokemon Silver or Pokemon Gold, so I used a test-dummy:

After almost burning my legs through my pants and wasting like three pens, I decided that the melted pen idea was fucking stupid.  Ditto for the tweezers, because I don't know about you, but tweezer have a lot of grab-and-pull strength, but no fucking twisting capabilities.  So fuck that too.

I attacked my Pokemon Silver version with the security bit, a pocket knife, a small screwdriver, and a roll of electrical tape, and I think I got this thing working.

So get ready, shit-heads...'cause here comes the Sequel in Silver! Booyah!