Monday, November 5, 2012

Addressing the Tiger Shit

Play this.  You're gonna need it.  We're gonna rant now, and I want all of y'all pumped as shit for it.


Alright.  A little while ago, I posted in "Sandy: A Hurricane's Name and a Desciption of its Cunt" about how I wished that they'd come up with a lion-like or a tiger-like Pokemon.  Then, someone drew my attention here:


Okay.  This is what I have to say about this motherfucker right here.

I don't know if it was a retcon or it was always the case, but Raikou is a member of what is called the "legendary beasts trio".  Now, when I was playing this shit the first time way back when, everyone knew this fucker, Suicune, and Entei as the "legendary dogs".  Granted, he looks a little more cat-like than the others, but he was always a dog by association.  If Entei and Suicune really thought of Raikou as a cat, they would have fucked his ass up.

I will accept him as a sabertooth tiger at best, but here are the qualities that I am looking for when it comes to a lion-esque or a tiger-esque Pokemon and why I don't believe this guy makes the cut.  The lists aren't long, but I'm not willing to budge on these.

Lion

1) A pronounced and visible mane

It's not a crazy thing to ask of a lion (even though there are female lions without manes and pumas and shit), but I want something Mufasa-like.


This is a lion.  What I'm seeing from Raikou is more like Ambrose Burnsides.


Shit, even Jolteon has a better mane than Raikou.

2) Not a whole lot of extra business

What is "extra business"? Let me elaborate...

The purple hair ass-cape is "extra business".  The crooked crystal zig-zag star-tail is "extra business".  The whip-around sideburns are "extra business".  The Mermaid Man nose is "extra business".


Take a fucking lion and just tweak it to look like it's plausible.  Make the mane out of fire, ice, coins or whatever.  If you go the fire route, give it the Charmander-tail to complete the look.  Just don't start putting spinning rims on the damn thing because then it stops being a lion and starts being a tragedy.

Tiger

1) Clear stripes

That shit on Raikou is not stripes.  Those things on its body look like pointy versions of the letters U, V, and W.  This isn't alphabet soup time.  You did the shit with Arcanine...just put it on a fucking cat.

2) Not a whole lot of extra business

See above.  Fucking scroll up, 'cause I'm not typing it again.  I don't even feel like copy-pasting at this point.  I'll concede that tigers kind of have "sideburns", but not ones that boop up to the top of their heads to make them look like damned Happiny.  Don't salon-style my tigers.

So thank you, "ravenalegria13" (if that is your real name...), for bringing up Raikou.  For all of those who think he's a tiger, go for it.  You have your views.  I'm not here to change them or to call them wrong.

I just don't see that shit-head as a tiger.  I see him as Ass-cape McSideburns, Defender of the Ocean Deep.  What I'm looking for is this:


What I believe I got was this:


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