Kiss Ro Dah!

The preparation for slapping that bitch Clair in the mouth involved one seemingly simple step that was to be repeated over and over again: level Jynx.  It was so simple; raise her up to level 30 so she can know Icy Wind, Powder Snow, Ice Punch, and Lovely Kiss, then bank on the sleep-and-slam routine until Feraligatr has to come in for the emergency Ice Punch.  However, I ran into a few snafus along the way.

Firstly, Ice-type moves are strong against Ground-type Pokemon.  Ground-type moves are also effective against Ice-type Pokemon.  So, it was a continuous coin toss to see if I could actually take out this Graveler or not.  Which reminds me...I should really level that shiny Geodude.  A shiny Graveler would be awesome.

Secondly, I kept running into Pokemon I wanted to catch.

You know, it's funny: I remember catching 151 Pokemon when I first played Red Version, but I have no idea which Pokemon I may or may not have caught when I first played through Gold.  Since I'm now playing the other version and it's entirely possibly that I'm catching Pokemon that are version-exclusive, I'm just catching Pokemon at this point that I feel I forgot to catch the first time around.  Anyway, I'm sure I could use Wobbuffet for something.

OOOOOOOOOOH! WOULD YOU LOOK AT HIS LITTLE FEET AND HIS PUDGEY LITTLE NOSE!

I've been waiting literally the ENTIRE game for the chance to catch this motherfucker, and I caught him at level 20! He's only five levels away from being the baddest cunt in Johto!

But enough of smashing rocks against other rocks; Jynx is ready for some dragon poon and that bitch gets what she wants.

Blackthorn City Gym: Clair, the Blue-Haried Lance with a Vagina

Seriously, is it a Pokemon League mandate that all Dragon-type trainers have to wear capes? It's a little ridiculous.

ROUND ONE:

Sandy's Jynx, lvl 30     vs.     Clair's Dragonair, lvl 37

Clair's Dragonair.  Holy shit, I just realized that rhymed! Goddamn, am I dumb!

What happened in this round is called the "Jynx Date-Rape":

Lovely Kiss.  Dragonair is sleeping like a baby while, in the next round, Jynx delivers an Ice Punch that knocks the fucker out in one hit.  I like this combo.  I would like to keep using this combo.

ROUND TWO:

Sandy's Ampharos, lvl 34     vs.     Clair's Kingdra, lvl 40

Yeah, ain't no way I'm gonna let Kingdra's Water-type weaken Jynx's Ice-type moves while I still have a kick-ass Electric-type in play.  Let's go, Ampharos!

Kingdra starts it off with a Smokescreen.  Not bad...could cause shit for my Thunderpunches.

Not for Thunder Wave, though! Now your ass is paralyzed and I'll get to attack first next round!

Thunderpunch, bitch! Okay...a little more than a quarter of the health bar down.  Not bad.  I just have to keep my head--

Hyper Beam.

Oh.

Oh shit.  Well THAT certainly hit fucking hard! Ampharos is at 50/117 health and I have two turns to take Kingdra's ass out before he fully recharges.

Thunderpunch...HIT! He's at less that a third health and he's still recharging!

Thunderpunch...MISS?!?!?!?!? DID YOU NOT JUST FUCKING SEE WHAT HE DID TO YOU?!?!? YOU GOTTA HIT THAT SHIT--!

Kingdra is fully paralyzed.

YYYYYYYYYYEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Thunderpunch knocks him out and the big guns for Clair is now incapacitated.

ROUND THREE:

Sandy's Jynx, lvl 30     vs.     Clair's Dragonair, lvl 37

Jynx Date-Rape.  See above.  This time, however, it took an Ice Punch and a Powder Snow to take out Dragonair.  I'm really beginning to like this Jynx.

ROUND FOUR:

Sandy's Jynx, lvl 30     vs.     Clair's Dragonair, lvl 37

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! Giovanni got his Rhydon up to level 50 before I took his Earthbadge; the least you could have done is raised a fucking Dragonite! I actually had to look up why Clair had three Dragonairs, apart from the fact that "Clair" and "Dragonair" rhyme.

Each of her Dragonair know Dragonbreath, Thunder Wave, and Slam.  One knows Surf, one knows Ice Beam, and one knows Thunderbolt.  That's it.  She needed three Dragonair so that she could, in theory, have one Dragonair that knew six moves.

Well, your plan sucked, because Jynx date-raped this one EXACTLY how she date-raped the first one.  Maybe you should have considered that identical Pokemon will fail identically when faced with the same adversity.  Einstein said that insanity is repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results, so you, my dear Dovahbitch, are looney.

But she wouldn't give me the badge until I retrieved the Dragon Fang from that cave behind her gym.  Umm...excuse me...that's not in the fucking agreement.  I come to your gym, I fight you, I win, I get a TM, a badge, and a fucking check.  There's none of this, "Now you must face the real challenge" bullshit.  I give you the money, you give me the doughnut.  End of transaction.

We miss you, Mitch Hedberg...

Anyway, a stroke of genius hit me while I was in the Dragon's Den:

I don't have the patience to raise a Dratini up to a Dragonite, and I know his move-set is shit, so I'm gonna catch him and put him in with Ditto at the Day-Care Center! By the way, Ditto grew by 24 levels since I dropped his ass off.  Christ.  I don't want to have to deal with any eggs, so Ditto's gonna go in the computer for a while and Dratini's gonna get some experience doing nothing.

So, after all this is said and done, Elm tells me to drop by his lab.  He sends me off to the Indigo Plateau with a parting gift for helping him out with all the research:

SUCK MY NUTS, LEGENDARY BEASTS! IF YOU SHOW THE FUCK UP ON MY DOORSTEP, YOU AIN'T PLAYIN' NO DING-DONG-DITCH! YOUR ASS IS MINE, AND I'M LOOKING AT YOU ESPECIALLY, SUICUNE! YOU DONE COCK-TEASED ME ENOUGH WHEN I PLAYED THROUGH GOLD! YOU ARE MINE!!!!!!!!!

So yeah...you literally Surf for less than 300 feet east from New Bark and you're technically in Kanto.  Seriously, Oak, how the fuck could you miss Sentret?! They all live EXCLUSIVELY one mile west of your fucking house!

I have scaled the long and arduous, trainer-filled path up to the Pokemon League welcoming gate and am currently standing in the first few feet of Mount Silver...a mountain that nobody seemed to fucking notice three years ago for no apparent reason.  Also, this happened:

AWWWWWWWWWWW! I haven't gotten the chance to go back into Red to level you, Ponyta, so I'm gonna do it here and pretend that would carry over! Yeah, that's the ticket.

Now, I gotta make my way through this cave system, gotta take out the Elite Four, and then, the moment you've all been waiting for...

...I gotta return to the Kanto gyms and address some unfinished business.

Lugia, lvl 41

Ampharos, lvl 39

Feraligatr, lvl 37

Heracross, lvl 32

Jynx, lvl 32

Gyarados*, lvl 30

Pokedex: 62, Badges: 8