The Three-Wiggle Break

Alright.  Whitney has to wait, because I need to talk to you about three Generation-I Pokemon that exist  on the routes that border Goldenrod City and who happen to be the most difficult cunts in the world to capture.  I ended up catching them all, but you need to sit the fuck down and listen to this bullshit.

Okay.  I do NOT need to explain this very thoroughly.  Abra knows one fucking move, and that move is called Fuck You Shit-head I'm Leaving.  You get one move to secure Abra.  In Red and Blue, you either needed to put his ass to sleep or hope that paralyzing him will keep him there so you can do some damage.

Either that or waste the fucking Master Ball.

Thank God Generation-II came up with the move Mean Look that keeps Pokemon from fleeing or switching.  You wanna Teleport?

Gastly has not evolved yet into Haunter (soon...), but he does know Mean Look.  So, I figured that I would Mean Look him and use Curse to bring Abra's health down.  Well, any move that continues doing damage over time sucks when trying to catch a Pokemon because if you accidentally knock it out, you're boned.  The only other move Gastly knew was Lick, and that was super-effective against Abra, so I had to use Mean Look, then Hypnosis, then switch to a Pokemon that could do small amounts of damage.

The issue? Mean Look stops working when the Pokemon that used it switches out.  So, sleeping Abra became a fucking time-bomb for Flaaffy.

Red wire? Blue wire? FUCK the bomb exploded in my dick.

Eventually, Abra stayed asleep long enough to catch him, but this jerk needed attack moves and fast.  Headbutt? Headbutt.  Because after all, if he doesn't have any Psychic attacks yet, at least he's still using his head.

This is my thing.  I like it.  Puns then Vaudeville.

But I got my sexy spoon man back and he's ready to rip into some shit!

Okay, the next one is one I didn't catch in Red, but I sort of needed to in Silver.

You NEED Ditto.  You don't use him, though.  Oh, CHRIST no! Not in battle, anyway.  You send him away to fuck bitches...or studs.  Whatever, I don't judge.

You put Ditto with this creepy old couple that likes to watch Pokemon fuck and you never have to see his ass ever again.  If he fucks something, the egg will have that baby.  It's a steady stream of nearly ANY Pokemon in the game, including starters.  However, the tricky thing is catching him, because he takes your Pokemon's moves and types, so you need to outsmart him.

At first, I wanted him to transform into Gastly, then I would switch to a Normal-type so he'd be forced to use Curse and take away half of his health.  Unfortunately, this technique kept killing Ditto, so I needed to re-strategize.  I needed to have Ditto transform into something that was absolute shit, but had means of self-recovery

How to trick Ditto into becoming a pussy...

BOOYAH! He knows Splash, Synthesis, Tail Whip, and Sweet Scent.  He's PERFECT!

But...of COURSE, Ditto hates Great Balls for some reason.

Let me just say that "three-wiggle break" is the most heart-shattering thing in the entirety of the Pokemon world.  You throw the Pokeball, Great Ball, Ultra-Ball, whatever, and the thing is inside.

It wiggles once...he's in there...

It wiggles twice...this could work...

It wiggles a third time...he's mine...

BREAK!

Ditto three-wiggle broke four Great Balls until he resigned to live in the standard Pokeball.  Why, Ditto? Do you feel undeserving of the Great Ball? HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF!

Finally, the third on my list:

This one defies all goddamned logic.  I have no idea what the fuck was going on here, but I'm gonna tell this story.

I'm right outside the National Park when I first see Vulpix.  I leap out of my fucking seat.  I love all the Generation-I Fire-types, and this baby will be crucial when I take on Jasmine in Olivine City, since all I have against Steel is Flaaffy.

The thing knows Roar, so immediately I begin to reason that I have to Disable that shit.  However, there's no way to choose which move gets disabled when you use that attack, so it's totally random.  Once again, we deal with a time-bomb.  In my party at the time, I had really nothing that could weaken it safely, since everything was either super strong against Fire or super weak to it.  Kadabra still knew Headbutt, and his Attack stat is pretty shit, so I decided to stick with him.

Eventually, I get to a point where I'm switching out between Gastly to Hypnotize Vulpix, Bellsprout to poison Vulpix, and Kadabra to Disable it.

I try throwing my Great Balls.  One-wiggle breaks, sometimes no wiggles at all.  FUCK.  I run out of Great Balls.

I still have one Pokeball.  I try throwing that.  Two-wiggle break.  Fuck my LIFE! Vulpix is, at this point, poisoned and will die in the next turn.

I only have one ball left and I throw it.

Wiggle.

Wiggle.

Wiggle.

Caught.

I can't breathe a sigh of relief, because I cannot define what happened before my eyes.  You see, I threw this:

Do you recognize this ball? It's the Lure Ball.  A LURE BALL.  It is designed to better catch Pokemon that you've snagged on a fishing rod.

Not a Pokeball.  Not even a Great Ball.  A fucking LURE BALL catches Vulpix.  WHERE IS THE SCIENCE IN THIS SHIT, SILPH CO.?!?!?!?!

Dear Silph Co...

Croconaw, lvl 20

Kadabra, lvl 20

Geodude*, lvl 20

Pidgeotto, lvl 19

Bellsprout, lvl 18

Gastly, lvl 18

Pokedex: 26, Badges: 2