When Life Gives You A Dick...

So, I'm sure some of you were like, "Umm...there's something off about that last blog" when you read it.  Well, Blogger and my internet decided to do a fuck-ton of drugs that night, so when I published the post, it only published the last bit that was saved (but not the entire thing), so the entry got cut off in the middle of me ruining a plot point in the musical Wicked.

Because...you know, sometimes life hands you lemons...

...and sometimes life hands you a fat fucking dick.

Hey! So...it's been a while.  What did you miss? Fucking jellyfish genocide.

Many of these assholes died so that others may live.  It got a little tough, since they're Water/Poison and moves that would straight-up knock a pure Water-type into the ground wouldn't hurt Tentacool that much, so they were harder to grind on; fortunately, I had a rod and a coastline.

Found this sack of shit and put him in a computer where he couldn't harm anyone ever again.  Sometimes you capture a Pokemon to befriend and train it; sometimes you capture a Pokemon to give it a prison sentence.

Okay.  Enough jellyfish have died and I've been putting this off for about a week now.  I NEED TO DO THIS!

Cianwood City Gym: Chuck, the Asshole

Dude literally starts the gym battle by throwing a giant boulder at a statue in order to try to intimidate you.  Then he's all like, "Well, yeah, I guess that has nothing to do with Pokemon, but fuck you anyway!"

ROUND ONE:

Sandy's Fearow, lvl 25     vs.     Chuck's Primeape, lvl 27

I really can't give a shit about this guy.  I outnumber him REAL hard, he's got multiple type-disadvantages against my team...this is just an exercise in inevitability.

Peck takes Primeape down to a little over half health.  Great place to start.

Primeape answers with Leer...which is my all-time favorite gym leader strategy.

Peck again and the only thing Primeape is leering now is the floor.

Let me see...he's about to use a Poliwrath? Hmm...who do I want to kick his ass?

Kadabra's defensive stats aren't too good, nor is Haunter's.  Fearow won't be as effective, and Flaaffy would be too easy.  I could send in Heracross, but he won't have any kind of type-advantage.

Oh! I know...

ROUND TWO:

Sandy's Feraligatr, lvl 30     vs.     Chuck's Poliwrath, lvl 30

That's right, kids.  Croconaw is no more...

Y'all dealing with this crazy demon now, and he's out for pussy.  Both at level 30, both male, and both Water-types as primary; this should be fair and interesting.

Scratch is weak as shit, by the way.  I really want anything besides that fucking attack.

Hypnosis.  Thanks for that, Poliwrath.  Cheap-ass motherfucker.  Bet you ain't saying shit when some fucker brings a flute up in here.

Feraligatr be all sleepin' and shit.  As a side-note, I'm fairly certain his name was supposed to be "Feraligator", but they ran out of letter-space, so they just had to make that weird hanging R thing for his English name.  In Japan, he's "Ordile", which would have been much simpler.

Dynamicpunch.  Down to 74/105, asleep, and confused.  Apparently, Feraligator's dreams must be getting pretty fucked up right about now.

Still sleeping.  You were an amazing choice, Feraligonad.

Mind Reader.  Well...that's gonna be fun when Dynamicpunch hits again next round and I'm still asleep.

Hey! He woke up! But he's STILL fucking confused and he bit himself like an asshole.

Dynamicpunch again.  25/105 health.  When life gives you a dick...

Bite connects! Not very effective! Fucking SUPER-DEE-DUPER!

Third Dynamicpunch and Feraligatr is down.  What a shit.

ROUND THREE:

Sandy's Heracross, lvl 28     vs.     Chuck's Poliwrath, lvl 30

He may not have any type-advantage, but this fucker's packing an 86 Attack rating and a Quick Claw.  At this level, he's a monster, and he's only getting stronger.

Let's try an old favorite: Horn Attack.  Less than halfway there, but close.

Hypnosis.

Okay...I'm beginning to sense a pattern here that I am not fond of.

Surf? Hmm...okay, an interesting choice while I still sleep away the night.

Surf again? Why not Dynamicpunch?

Maybe it's because he knows I've been using Counter to try to lure him into an attack.

Too bad Heracross slept through three Surf attacks and got knocked the fuck out.  This is not fucking playtime.

ROUND FOUR:

Sandy's Flaaffy, lvl 29     vs.     Chuck's Poliwrath, lvl 30

Gloves are off now, cunt.

HYPNOSIS!?!?!? Shut the fuck up with that already!

Sleepin'-ass sheep!

Dynamicpunch: the move that never misses until you try to use it.  Almost knocks my ass out...

BUT HE'S STILL SLEEPING!

Again with the punch.  Fuck this guy.  Fuck him!

ROUND FIVE:

Sandy's Fearow, lvl 25     vs.     Chuck's Poliwrath, lvl 30

I have underestimated this man, but if chicken-head can do it once, he can do it again.

Fury Attack hits four times and Poliwrath is finally in the red.  Let's see if the pattern continues...

Hypnosis does not affect Fearow because Fearow is the bird of unrelenting hatred!

Peck! Super-effective, and Poliwrath sucks on the dick life gave him!

I get the Stormbadge from you and the HM for Fly from your hot-ass wife, Chuck.  Fearow, to Olivine City...my planet needs me.

Feraligatr, lvl 30

Flaaffy, lvl 29

Heracross, lvl 28

Haunter, lvl 27

Kadabra, lvl 27

Fearow, lvl 26

Pokedex: 46, Badges: 5