Shining-Ass Bitch

Olivine City Gym: Jasmine, the Sabrina of Johto

Everybody treated her with this sort of oh-shit mentality because she specialized in Steel-types, and everyone was like "What the fuck do I do against Steel-types?!?!"

Well, it's pretty simple, I discovered; you fight the secondary type.

ROUND ONE:

Sandy's Shiny Geodude, lvl 20     vs.     Jasmine's Magnemite, lvl 30

He won't be able to use any Electric-type attacks, and Geodude can take two Sonicbooms before getting fucked up.

There goes the first one.  32/52 health left.  I knew that was gonna happen.  If it hits again, I'll be down to 12/52.

Magnitude...9! Holy shit! Fatality, motherfucker! Next!

ROUND TWO:

Sandy's Feraligatr, lvl 30     vs.     Jasmine's Steelix, lvl 35

Clash of the titans up in here!

Surf takes Steelix into the red, but Jasmine responds with a Hyper Potion and Steelix's Sunny Day.

Now, can I ask you a question, Jasmine? If your specialty type is weak against only three things, why would you use a power that increases the strength of one of them?

"Because it weakens Water-based attacks by 50%, stupid," she replied, coyly.

Oh... I see...now Surf does a lot less.  However, you ended the last round with Sunny Day and started this one with the Hyper Potion.  You have given me the opportunity to do two Surfs at once, and even though the attack is now at 50% strength, doing two of them will get you to the same danger-zone and without a Hyper Potion.  You have gambled, my dear, but the odds are not in your favor.

Iron Tail is a pretty decent hit, but I know for a fact that Feraligatr is strong against your Steel attacks.

Did I do my homework? You bet your ass I did.  How did I do my homework?

THERE WAS AN APP FOR IT!

That's right, bitch! I recently upgraded to an iPhone 4 from my old Blackberry Bold and I found an app called "A+ Pokedex" by Slimi Houssam.  It was $3.99 and let me show you the pain it inflicts on your enemies:

Every Pokemon that ever existed, every move, and more importantly...

...this little page that tells me you're in deep shit.

The third Surf takes down Steelix.

ROUND THREE:

Sandy's Shiny Geodude, lvl 21     vs.     Jasmine's Magnemite, lvl 30

Did you forget that I had a Geodude in there? You can't expect me to keep a Water-type out there when you call out an Electric-type.  That's stupid.  You're stupid.  That's stupid.

And you missed the Sonicboom.  Stupid...

Magnitude...8! Good show on them Magnitudes, Geodude! Knocking that bitch out! Mineralbadge for me!

Oh, this shit's not over! I wrote all those notes down on my iPhone and I proceeded to play more! Long-ass day at work means long-ass day in Johto!

Caught three motherfuckers that you need to meet and that I need to talk about.

First off, this asshole was fucking impossible to find/catch in the Safari Zone.  You know, that place where it's allegedly the only place you can find certain Pokemon? Seriously, if someone came over on the S.S. Anne from Johto with his Pokedex, the Safari Zone would be out of fucking business.

PATRON:   Dude! I almost caught a Tauros, but it ran away! I guess I have to shell out another $500 and try again later

VISITOR:   Umm...there's hundreds of them in Johto...out in the wild...for free...and you can battle them and use your own balls...I own thirty.

PATRON:   ...BURN DOWN THE SAFARI ZONE!

Some have called this guy the worst Pokemon in the game.  Well, he certainly was in Generation-I where you had to trade for him, but now he's just fucking around in the wild.

Question: baby Farfetch'ds...they're born with the leek...WHERE DO THEY GET THE FUCKING LEEK?!?! It's baby Kangaskhan all over again...

And finally, the single-greatest "Fuck you" to Magikarp:

You know what's up! Red-ass Gyarados! He be shiny as shit, son! And he maaaaaaaaaaaad!

So, now that I have this guy, I'm gonna go follow this random guy named Lance who happens to own a Dragonite and a cape as we take down a Team Rocket candy-bar/radio-powered evolution scheme.  Hmm...I wonder if this guy's any good.

Feraligatr, lvl 30

Heracross, lvl 28

Fearow, lvl 26

Magmar, lvl 26

Weepinbell, lvl 22

Vulpix, lvl 18

Pokedex: 49, Badges: 6